The purpose of this essay is to provide my evaluation of preconceived polyamorous relationship models. I hope to describe what I consider to be productive levels of planning the kind of poly relationship one is open to. I know a lot of people have a circumscribed idea of exactly what they want, and do not veer from that aim. I propose that in my experience it is more rewarding to be open to a number of possibilities.
Many people "become" poly (or started acting on your poly feelings) after having started out in a monogamous relationship model. Even if they were polyamorous from the time they start having romantic relationships, poly people have to invent the shape of their own relationships. Monogamous people start off with a model "the couple" that everyone is expected to conform to. There is an enormous freedom in designing the kind of relationship structure you will have from the ground up! It is thrilling, exhilarating, and occasionally petrifying.
When doing this, most people start building the structure from either a single person, of from a pre-existing couple. Obviously every relationship structure has to begin with individual people. The any time you a second person a dyadic relationship is set up between those two people. If you add a third person, each set of two people have a dyadic relationship, as well as the "group" dynamic. Sometimes this fact is overlooked when thinking about structures.
Many get very specific in the fantasizing and planning. Plans vary widely, but I've seen some plans that were as specific and narrow as:
"We want a bisexual, redhead woman, of ample endowments, who loves us both unabashedly and equally, will bear three of the five children we want to have, is between ages 22 and 26. She must have a college degree, and likes mowing the lawn. She will need to live with us in our 6 bedroom house, and like motorcycle racing (for him) and basket-weaving (for her). We are not interested in anyone or anything that does not apply to this goal. Hey, how come we never get a second date?"
In my view, over-specific planning is a pitfall. By being to narrow, and sticking closely to a fantasy, the structure limits possibilities, and the choices of each additional person who might enter in to the system. Don't forget, each person has their own goals, desires, fantasies, strengths and weaknesses to be factored in. A structure is mostly meant to describe a social system, and help others understand its inner workings. The structure should not hamper the healthy development of the system.
For example, my husband and I are planning to wed our girlfriend next year. We did not have this configuration in mind. We were not offered as a package deal. (A package deal is when a couple stipulates that any new person must date both people in a couple in order to date either one of them.) I dated her first, after having been platonic friends with her twelve years! Later they fell for each other. We had stated before that we categorically did not want to live with anyone else, no matter how wonderful and loving the relationships were. Likewise, she was not intending to find a relationship that would inspire her to cohabit.
Guess what? The universe had other plans. Now it sounds like a grand idea! The only goals we set out with were to be happy, and for those we loved to also be happy. It is important to us to have the freedom to decide the level to which our interpersonal relationships develop, and to make sure our partners all had that same right. None of us "backed down" on our original stated plans, we changed them after careful consideration and time by each individual. We still have back up plans in place to provide handrails at slippery points in the trail. We did not make any of the life-changing type decisions while in the thrall of New Relationship Energy.
So, perhaps the situation you have envisioned is not even as wonderful and amazing as what destiny has planned for you. I don't suggest that people don't try to know some of what they want, or that they change direction with every gust of wind, but the more flexibility and openness to love you have, the better your chance of finding joy more often than disappointment and heartbreak.
I do not mean to imply that relationship pondering of any kind is unwise. Just that attempting to cram real live people into your fantasy mold almost never ends well. What do I suggest instead? Boundary setting.
Boundaries are personal values. They should really be about you, rather than concentrating on what another person does. Examples "I am not willing to change my religion to please another person." Or perhaps "I am not comfortable repeatedly lending money to a person." These are important things to consider no matter who you are, simply for interacting with friends and family.
When it comes to relationship planning, it is good to talk about and visualize alone and with your existing partner(s) what you can see fitting in to your life. For example, knowing whether or not you want children or can accept someone with children is important to know. You might not have a strong opinion on this, but you might have strong opinion that you don't want people who live so far away that you could not see them regularly. Decide what things are optional and what things are truly mandatory. Your sexual fantasies are a separate issue from real life relationship structures. Sure, they are wonderful, and can be a component of your inspiration, but they probably should not be the whole basis. I recommend making the list and looking back at it from time to time. The longer I have been exposed to polyamory the fewer things have stayed mandatory.
Once you know what the absolutely crucial aspects are, and feel that you can open yourself to the possibility of loving others, do it!
My brief recommended steps for doing this include- improve yourself. Try to constantly improve your communication skills and whatever other self-improvement challenges you have.
- Get out and interact with others. Make friends, go to gatherings, do activities that you genuinely enjoy. Don't hit on every "hot bi babe" you meet. If you do, you will become the next in a long line of tiresome individuals.
- Once you do meet people you are attracted to, and seem to reciprocate, let the relationship grow naturally. Let it sprout up leaves and see what it becomes it might be a pot of pansies, or a mighty redwood. It is really tough when people seize the seedling with a pair of pliers and try to pull it up quickly to see if it is the shrubbery they have been eagerly awaiting.
Love defines it's boundaries
Limitless shapes, countless forms
I have vowed that when it comes to me I'll take it
Every manifestation, I'm gonna celebrate it
Song Lyrics from Family Copyright © Christopher Bingham
- Models of Open Relationships
- Opening yourself to finding polyamorous partners
- Complex relationship systems (dyads, triangulation etc.)
- Package Deals
- New Relationship Energy (NRE)