What is a "Package Deal"? A package deal, for the purposes of this essay, is a polyamorous situation in which one must date two people (a pre-existing couple) in order to date either one of them. This is most commonly crops up when the pre-existing couple is changing their relationship system from monogamous to polyamorous. The thrust of my thoughts here is that package deals are too often recipes for disappointment, and occasionally, disaster.
There are two basic reasons I don't think package deals are the wisest choice. One regards the possible motivations for it, and the other, the assumptions it makes.
What motivates people to offer themselves as a package deal? The most common reasons seem to stem from a desire to feel secure. The deal seeks to make sure nobody feels left out, while the other partner is spending time with a new love interest. It could also serve to insure that one's partner is not getting "too close" with someone else without supervision. It may also be a compromise, or way to talk half of a formerly monogamous couple in to trying poly when they are not really sure they want to.
There is nothing wrong with trying to make sure everyone feels safe and secure. In fact, It is one of the top priorities when moving in to a poly system, or changing your family structure at all. However, there are better, saner and more effective ways to do this than a package deal. All of these employ the tool "communication". You have to take time, converse assiduously, find the suitable people to date, build poly-supportive friendships and community, and wait until everyone is really, honest-to-deity, READY to make the shift in to polyamory. People's speed at adjusting to change varies significantly. It can be frustrating to those of us who make adjustments quickly, waiting for our loves who adapt more slowly to catch up. However, there is no substitute for doing so, and no short-cuts. I am typically one of the rapid ones, and I have been guilty of rushing people, and paid for it afterward.
The other, more painful thing that one hates to think about, but should, is that your partner in a monogamous couple may never be ready for, or want to make the move to a polyamorous structure. At this point, a whole other set of considerations enter in. If you are the poly-leaning partner, you will have to evaluate the relative importance of the existing commitment and the loved one to the polyamorous aspect of your nature. If you are the monogamous-leaning partner, you will have to do the same. Someone will have to compromise here, or your relationship may be over or damaged. There is no wrong or right way compromise here, there is only what will work for you. What will NOT work, is pressuring, guilt-tripping, wheedling or otherwise manipulating each other. Honest communication, start to finish, will get people through it, no matter where on the relationship openness continuum they choose to settle. It is very important for both partners to respect each other, and their feelings on this topic. There are often a lot of deep-seated issues regarding departing from traditional relationship structures. Nobody's desires or beliefs should be discounted, belittled or reviled.
Most issues can be worked through successfully, if both people are committed to the process and the core relationship is basically healthy. Insecurity and jealousy are byproducts of the way we've been socialized to think about relationships, and how those beliefs have to change to incorporate open relationships. These things can be replaced with compersion (a shared feeling of joy when someone one loves is experiencing loving interactions with others). It may take time, but it is every bit as "natural" as jealousy is. The feeling is unquestionably more pleasant, once one starts experiencing it.
In order to work through insecurity, the partners must communicate liberally, honestly and with all the completeness everyone wants. Some people will want to hear about sexual matters, or how the date went, but some will not. Please iron this out in advance, before lack of clarity starts a fight later. The partner who starts dating first must not get so caught up in the New Relationship Energy (NRE) that they forget to lavish affection, time and and reassurance on the pre-existing partner. I think this is a point at which a lot of new poly folks get de-railed. One must keep trying to put oneself in the position of the "left at home" partner, taking their feelings in to account. Ask them how they are feeling. The non-dating partner, should not hesitate to communicate honestly and seek reassurance, even if it seems silly. Make sure to have "date nights" with one's pre-existing partner. Not doing so tends to lead to the feeling that they are "the old-boring partner" who has to bring up the topic of the phone bill, while the "new, glamorous date" just has to dress up and go dancing. This is one healthy way to help resolve insecurity. There are others, everyone has to figure out some unique ways that work in each situation.
If insecurity is not the issue motivating "package deal" status, sometimes there is another one. This one is also not wise. I think of this one as the "hot bi babe fantasy". The open relationships label can sometimes be used as a way to get the woman to go find another woman, and bring her home to the male partner. Not to say that it is always the goal of a man who wants to institute a package deal arrangement, however, it is not uncommon. There is nothing wrong with having a triad, if that is truly what is being saught. However, please examine closely the underlying thoughts. If it is just a sexual fantasy, then cool, hang on and wait for the right situation to arise. There are more opportunities for this kind of sexual encounter than one might think. Visit some sex-positive community centers and such. Don't make it seem like it is a deep desire for a triadic relationship structure if it need not be. There seem to be more bisexual women in the poly community than openly bi men. If a woman really is bisexual, it seems cruel to only allow her to date women who are also attracted to and willing to be involved with the male partner as well. If it truly gels this way, great, but often it does not. Artificially created triads like this tend to lead to built up resentments, jealousies, and pressure in situation that need not exist at all. I recognize that it is harder to get a poly date as a man than it is as a woman, even for a man trying to date women. I will not try to analyze why that is at this time, though it could be an interesting future topic. If a triadic male-female-female structure truly is the only way both parties feel they can be happily poly, then make sure to be up front about that in the first place, and date together. It is not advisable to send the woman out to meet someone, get a little involved and then spring the package news on the third person.
The package deal practice may make an assumption I
believe to be erroneous, that love is equal, or identical between
people. I have loved many people, but no two of them have I loved in
exactly the same way, to exactly the same extent, etc. Each and every
relationship I have had has been unique. Even a relationship with the
same person changed over time. When one is trying to have a three-way
love relationship, it is very difficult for the loves to grow at
exactly the same rate, to want to spend exactly the same time with each
love, etc. It is going to be very difficult to avoid someone getting
their feelings hurt. This is especially true if the triad was formed
because the new person was initially attracted to only one two. Most of
the successful triads I know seem to have fallen in love in stages, on
person then the other then oh, hey! Look! All three of us are in love,
how cool is that? It certainly can be done, but trying to find an ideal
match for even one person is hard, trying to find an exact match who
will love and be loved copiously by both is nearly astronomical.
In
short, the package deal, in my view, tries to prevent problems it is
not quite suited to resolve, and adds levels of difficulty and pressure
that need not exist, for little return. If you do decide, that in your
situation a package deal is truly warranted, and is what will work
best, then I urge you to be very open and appropriately upfront about
the nature of your agreement.