Introduction:
Why I Am Writing Essays
I have decided to write a series of essays on aspects of polyamory. Doing so has a dual purpose. First, to help me crystallize my own thoughts. I have noticed that I can blather on for hours on poly tangents. I might as well get some of these thoughts out in writing, since they apparently are struggling to be free. Second, by posting them, perhaps someone else will find the content useful to them in their own relationships.
My own poly history makes a good springboard to why I want to write down what I have learned. I have always felt that loving more than one person was natural for me, though I did not know it was an option or that anyone else thought that way. I remember when I was about ten years old asking my Mom "If you can love more than one child, or more than one brother or sister, why can't you have more than one husband or wife?" She just said "Good question."
I had some early tentative experiments with my first boyfriend and his best friend in high school. The three of us went to the prom together. But we didn't really communicate about it, or really admit to ourselves what we were doing. Too bad, in retrospect. I had guilt about the sexual activity the three of us engaged in, and tried to rationalize it in a variety of ways. We were all just too young and inexperienced to figure out how to do it properly.
I had an relationship with my next partner that started monogamously. We then met some friends who had an open marriage. We pondered it, and did a fairly good job of making our relationship open. There were some speed bumps, and I did some crying while breaking down my societal programming that made me fear that if he was loving someone else, our relationship was on the chopping block. The poly aspect of our relationship was pretty healthy. When we eventually parted ways, for other reasons, I still had not heard the word polyamorous. I did express to most people I dated that I preferred open relationships, but I didn't really have it as a requirement, or identify myself as needing that as a relationship style. I dated a few people during this time, but none of them at the same time.
The next relationship of long duration I had was monogamous. I did express to him early on that open was my preferred style. He said he didn't think he could do it and I said "Fine, I can do monogamous, but if you ever change your mind, let me know! After eight years, he brought up the fact that he was ready to reconsider. By this time I knew the word polyamorous. We did lots of reading and joined an online community. We did a lot of thinking and communicating about it. We were not in a big hurry and did not find people we were interested in immediately. I think we were fairly smart and methodical about the transition. We dated folks, and eventually fell in love with one other person each. In the end it turned out I really am inherently poly, and he was not. It was a struggle for him. We are still best friends, but discontinued our romantic involvement because of this difference. It was deeply heartbreaking to me at the time, but it has turned out to be a happy situation for all four of us.
I had realized by this time that I should accept that polyamory was part of my personality, and that I was happier having the freedom to act on that if I chose to. Since my husband and I met through poly channels, and it has been clear in our lives that we would always have and give the freedom to be polyamorous. We've had a variety of poly experiences in the last 6 years, and become part of a friend group that consists primarily of other people who are open to polyamory. I have therefore had a lot of chance to observe other people's successes and heartbreaks.
So, having had over twenty years of experience with how to do open relationships poorly, very well, upside-down and under water, I have amassed a lot of personal lessons. You might also call this become opinionated. That said, these essays are not intended to be All Knowing Advice, they are simply my own reflections and conclusions I have drawn. I have a Masters degree in Social Work, though I am not writing with an academic audience in mind, my training certainly influences the way I process information. The contents of the upcoming essays should not be considered a substitute for communicating, examining your own experiences, or seeking individual or relationship counseling when needed. However, if the contents strike a helpful chord for anyone, I will be pleased.
I seek to defeat my urge to insert watering down phrases to the essays such as sometimes, may lead to, could possibly, in my opinion, and other things that just serve to make the prose weak and boring. Please assume however, that one of these is automatically inserted about every other sentence. Yes, Your Mileage May Vary.
I invite you to write your own wisdom and submit it to me for inclusion as a guest column! The more wisdom we can amass here, the more likely people will find something worthwhile and applicable.